Issue 6: A working mom's brilliant self-care tactic
Katy is the Director of People Ops at Upstream
I’m back after a quick break! The past few weeks were a little crazy - I started a new role (more on that later), 50% of our childcare situation has changed (transitions are tough), and we had Thanksgiving break. I hope everyone has found a little time for themselves during the holiday mayhem.
Katy and I connected through Elpha, a professional community for women. It took a few tries to get our conversation scheduled between Katy starting a new job and a childcare conflict coming up for me - so typical for working moms, right? As soon as we jumped on the Zoom though, I felt like I knew Katy. I had such a great time hearing about her love for her work and attempting to balance work and being a mom of 3 young girls.
Occupation: Director of People Operations at UpStream
Children: 3 girls, ages 7, 5, and 2
Fur children: 2 retired racing greyhounds
Location: Greater Pittsburgh Area
Tell me about yourself and your family
Professionally I am a Director of People Ops at a Series B health tech company - I just started, and this was my third week. Before that, I was at a seed-stage startup and was impacted by layoffs. I spent about 3 months looking for my next opportunity, and I feel like I’m in this recalibration period of what my day-to-day looks like with working full-time again and managing all the other important things in my life.
I have 3 kids, ages 7, 5, and 2, all girls. I love them more than I can describe, but they are the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. Being a parent is mentally exhausting. I don’t even feel like I’m doing my best - I feel like I’m just surviving most of the time, keeping everyone alive. There are plenty of times when I remind myself that sometimes that’s okay, you’re only one person, and there’s so much you can do.
Right now, work is at a minimum an eight-hour day, and then I switch modes into taking care of my family for this brief period in the evening where we have to figure out dinner and do bedtime routines so that I can maybe have a few minutes to clean up, work out, shower, or even hop back into work if needed.
What does balancing work and life look like for you?
I’m trying to figure that out – earlier this year, I was doing a better job of it. I’d close my work laptop around 5:30pm or 6pm and be very present with my evening. Spending time with my family was part of it, but I would also get outside to get a dose of vitamin D and let my mind shut off from work. I found I was able to show up more refreshed the next day because I wasn't constantly “on.” I ended up deleting Slack and email off my phone so I wasn’t in the habit of just checking everything all the time. It wasn’t serving me or anyone around me. So I’ve been trying to do more single-tasking, which is admittedly hard. I’m someone who wants to do all the things, and there’s only so much time in the day. It’s a constant practice of prioritizing and leaning on a community for help.
What’s your new role?
I’m the Director of People Operations at a Series B health tech company. They recently experienced quite a bit of change between a reduction in force, a change in leadership, and realigned company priorities. They realized that to support their growth goals, they needed to build the infrastructure to support their current team. This year is focused on shoring up internal processes to strategically scale in a sustainable way. On the People team, we’re rolling out performance management and an updated compensation model that accounts for bonuses, equity, and revamped benefits. It’s exciting to implement these core programs - I love being able to think through creating a thoughtful structure that helps others be able to do their jobs well.
With this new role, I’ve also gone from operating as a People team of one to reporting to a Chief People Officer and having two people who report to me. I missed having this level of collaboration and being able to consistently coach people in their roles. I’m very drawn to companies that are mission-driven and intentional about living out their values - both of which I’m experiencing here. I already had a chance to travel to a leadership offsite, and I earnestly feel that I’m in the right place this company and role are a great fit for me, which is really rewarding.
What helps you manage your day-to-day?
It helps me to recognize that my focus each day exists on a spectrum. There are certain times when my focus has to shift to my family, like if someone is sick, and sometimes it’s more on work, like if there’s a time-sensitive deliverable. Having people I can rely on for those last-minute things is key. I’m super close with my aunts, and I know I can call them at the drop of the hat to help me with the kids so I can make it work.
I try to plan for as much as I can, so each week, I look ahead at our house’s commitments, plan meals, and talk through any scheduling plans with my partner. We talk a lot about mental load, and he’s trying to take more of that on. It’s more of a practice of me delegating certain days when I need him to be in charge of dinners or getting the kids into bed so I can take a bit of a break.
On the job side of things, having flexibility with my schedule helps. For example, my 7-year-old doesn’t have a bus option for school, so I have a daily block on my calendar to step away for 10 minutes while I walk her home from school. I’ve looped in my manager, who is completely supportive. Plus, it’s nice to be able to take a break that forces me to stand up, stretch my legs, and get outside for a few minutes.
What does self-care look like for you?
For years, I’ve had this practice of taking one day off per month as a day to do whatever I need for myself. Sometimes that’s cleaning, other times it’s vegging out on the couch or getting lunch with a friend. My go-to move on these days off is getting a massage! I schedule my planned time off quarterly, and it gives me something to look forward to and helps me take care of whatever is top of mind for me.
There are a lot of plates to spin, what motivates you to keep doing that?
I couldn’t afford childcare when my oldest was born, so I stepped away from my full-time job for about a year. I worked part-time during that period, but I quickly realized that I needed a greater level of work in my daily routine to feel like my best self and be the best parent I could be. So even on days when it feels really hard to show up at work, I remind myself that that’s another reason why I’m doing this. I view my work as a way of taking care of myself, too.
What’s it like to parent three girls? Those are some great age gaps!
The highs are high and the lows are pretty low. I love the humbling moments when they will hold a boundary or repeat something I’ve previously said to them. Recently, I was stressing out about all the things, and my oldest was like, “Mom, I think you might need to take a deep breath right now.” And I was like, “Yeah, you know what, that is a great idea. Thank you for bringing it up to me.” That’s really rewarding - just being able to see your kids figure out who they uniquely are and start to make sense of the world. I say that my only expectation of them is to be decent human beings. I’m not looking for them to be the smartest kid in their class or the best in whatever hobby they choose. Just be kind. That being said, I’m activated when they argue with each other seemingly nonstop, but on the other hand, it’s very rewarding when I see them giggling with each other.
Parenting unlocks this level of love that you didn’t know was possible. But I’m not going to lie - there are also times when I’m not sure I’m cut out for this.
You’re in a fun position where you are raising a variety of ages and you have a sense of what’s coming. How has that shaped your perspective?
Knowing what’s ahead helps to a degree, but each kid has their own personality and needs, so I still learn different strategies for each of them. I’m also realizing that the expectations I had for my oldest probably weren’t fair, especially seeing her in comparison to the five and two-year-old. Sometimes I think, why is she acting like this, but if I put it in perspective, she’s still only 7!
Early on as a parent, I tried to control developmental timelines even when the girls might not have been totally ready. For example, I had my oldest potty trained before she was even 2, and I now recognize that was probably before she was ready. I’ve relaxed a bit, partially out of necessity, but also learning that there isn’t enough time for me to dedicate so much focus to each of them all the time. I have to prioritize between the three of them as well. They need me at different times and to different degrees. It’s when those needs come into conflict that parenting is especially tough.
What do you do when that happens?
I recognize that there will be tears and try to remember that it won't always be like this. My first priority is making sure everyone is safe. My oldest has anxiety and ADHD, so assessing if there’s something I can do that could help her calm down usually helps because it will ease the other two as well. There’s no great answer though - I mean, I only have two hands, and I can’t hold all three of them at once. Sometimes those moments make me wonder, “Am I cut out for this?” I don’t know.
I said that she definitely is cut out for this. The people who aren’t asking themselves that might be the ones who aren’t but it’s clear that she cares for and loves her girls incredibly.
What’s most challenging for you in your current phase of life?
On the personal side, I think just figuring out what’s most important to me and how I can create the conditions in my life to make sure that I’m spending my time in a way that’s aligned with what I value. This is one of the reasons why it’s so important for me to work for mission-driven companies - and a mission that aligns with my values. If I’m going to dedicate a big portion of my waking hours to doing something, I want it to be something I can get behind.
On the home side, I will help with school things if they absolutely need my help, but candidly, I prefer not to, right? That is not how I would choose to spend my time if given the chance. It’s a constant effort to check on myself and whether I’m spending my time on the right things or if I’ve overcommitted to a bunch of things that drain my energy because they aren’t fulfilling to me.
Rapid fire questions
Go to recipe: Does takeout count? 😬
Must have for your office: Natural lighting
Favorite kid’s toy: Balance board
Best parenting hack: Getting your kids to love the same music that you do
What are you reading/watching/listening to right now?
Reading: Email newsletters (and staring at my growing stack of unread books)
Watching: The Morning Show
Listening: Taylor Swift’s 1989 Vault tracks
What's one question you have for other working moms?
What’s one thing you consistently do to take care of yourself?
Thanks for reading this issue of Working Mom! If you enjoyed this post, please share it with your working mom friends.
Good luck to all the working parents out there trying to make it through this home stretch before the holidays 🤪
Bhavika