Issue 4: A working mom's approach to job searching in this market
Hilary is a product marketer, previously at Bobbie
Hilary and I met through Elpha and I was so excited to meet a working mom in the Boston area. She has a three year old daughter and is currently in between jobs. Hilary has also been running different mom groups to support postpartum moms, working moms, and more. Finding a community of people isn’t as easy as one would hope - I see moms trying all kinds of things to find people locally who have kids of a similar age and shared interests to connect with. Chatting with Hilary was so fun, she’s just full of energy and passion for everything from these groups she runs, raising her daughter, and her career.
Occupation: Product marketer, looking for her next role
Children: One daughter, age 3
Fur children: Yellow lab named Leroy
Location: Greater Boston area
What’s your family dynamic look like?
I have a 3 year old daughter, my husband, and a very large yellow lab. My husband works two full-time jobs - and he had a third over the summer. He coaches lacrosse and owns a business, which is his first baby, and I love that he loves it. His work ethic and drive are one of the things I love most about him. He’s also just very busy, and a lot of his work can happen on nights or weekends so figuring out that dynamic early was challenging & important. I had a newborn, I was home alone on weekends, during COVID, honestly going crazy (fast-forward a year and realized this was actually PPA). And at the same time, we’ve been together a long time, and we have a strong foundation and respect for each other’s careers and passions which really helped prioritize how we looked at all of this. I’ve stressed often that I would never want to take him away from something he’s built and loves (and vice versa), but that’s also meant we’ve had to figure out how our schedules work together in a unique way that other families may not have to. He adores our family and does so much to help however & whenever he can. It’s been a unique challenge to navigate prioritizing everything we both love (work & family) – the age old, “we can do it all” problem!
Hilary later shared a reflection on how other people’s judgment of their family dynamic impact her:
The other thing that is killer is other people’s opinions or judgment of our family dynamic...I've learned how to tune it out and articulate my thoughts in a way to gracefully dismiss these comments while feeling confident in our structure. It’s not the norm for a lot of people and I think that can be viewed as "weird." The worst is the "pity" I've received for my husband being busy. The assumption that I'm shouldering things solo and have no control is mostly what gets me. This is our family, our structure, and how we thrive (most days haha) and I personally think it's so cool that we're set up a bit different career-wise and can show our daughter different experiences/events and interact with all sorts of people at such a young age.
I totally agree with Hilary here - after becoming a mom, I’ve realized that I have no place to judge how people parent and balance things. You do you, mama!
What does “making it work” look like for you and your husband?
While my husband has owned his business, I’ve had a more traditional corporate type job, and was remote for a bunch of it post-baby. Then they had us back in the office 4 days a week and I was commuting over an hour each way. And because of his schedule, it was my schedule that took a toll, trying to leave early for daycare pick up or being the one who’s called for sick calls, etc. And I think some of that is just being the default parent - you hear about everyone just calling mom first no matter what. And some of that is how our family is set up, which is fine. But figuring out how to make it work without feeling resentful or angry towards his job that I know he loves, was challenging. I recognized that I just felt overwhelmed and there’s a bigger societal conversation to be had around why moms are often the “default” parent and the pressure that puts on them. Recently, I became unemployed and that’s given me extra time and space to think about my priorities, forced albeit. And one thing I realized as I look for preschools for my daughter is that I would love to be able to pick her up from school and I love that my career can afford me that type of flexibility.
It sounds like the job change was recent - sorry to hear that. Can you share more about what that’s looked like?
I was doing product marketing at Bobbie and I loved it - thought it was my dream job and that I would be there for years. And then same old story, there was an acquisition and a reorg and I was laid off. It’s validating but heartbreaking to see this story over and over again in the job market right now.
So I was able to take a step and back and reflect - is this what I want to continue doing? Or do I want to change industries or roles or something else? And actually the time has made me more confident that I actually love what I do and feel more certain in the industries I’m excited about. But it’s a tough market and job searching isn’t easy right now.
What’s been your approach to the job search?
It’s been a lot of networking and good conversations, but a lot of dead ends, too. I’m applying to roles cold as well but if I don’t know anyone there, getting that canned rejection, knowing that they didn’t even look at my resume. It’s disheartening. But just keeping up with the conversations and asking folks to keep me in mind for opportunities that come across their plates. In the meantime, with some of the extra time I have, I’ve been running working mom groups, which I absolutely love.
Tell me more about those!
The groups range from about 5 people to a maximum of 10, so we’re able to have an engaging conversation. Everyone has a range of jobs and kids across all ages, so there’s a good mix of “oh I’ve been there” or “I have that to look forward to.” The current Working Moms’ session I run is every other week for 6 sessions and we have discussions about different topics. Sometimes it’s just a good place to vent or see a friendly face. Unless you have mom friends in the area, it’s really hard to build that community. So these groups help people find that connection and comfort. Today’s session is all about boundary setting. Check out Hilary’s website to learn more!
We quickly dove into the importance of boundary setting and as natural born people pleasers, how hard that is for us. Hilary reflects on this and below are some of my reflections as well.
For the first year after my daughter was born, I was like ok what on earth am I doing. I love to work but now she is the priority over literally everything else. So I knew I needed a company that matched my values and supported some flexibility, so I could do things like take my daughter to gymnastics for an hour. I know that I’m going to be a better employee if I can do these other things that are important to me and bring me joy, but it can be tough to draw those boundaries, especially because I’m a people pleaser.
I’ve struggled with setting boundaries, particularly with my own family a lot. I don’t like it when people are mad or upset with me and I’ve had to really work hard to realize, it’s not my fault you’re upset. I did not cause that by setting and holding this very reasonable boundary. I often reflect on how I want my son Kian to be able to set and hold boundaries, even with me, better than I’ve been able to with my own mom.
What do you love about this phase of motherhood and what’s hard?
My daughter is the most opinionated, precocious little girl and it’s pure karma from when I was a child. She is so fierce and I love that about her! She’s also very thoughtful, caring, and timid when trying new things, which is how I work, too. Having very similar personalities is a challenge and conflict - like my husband is like why are you fighting with a three year old?! And it’s like because she’s smart enough to fight with me! She’s articulate, she knows what she wants, she’s driven, and that’s amazing but also challenging.
Are there daily/weekly practices that help your family, especially given your husband’s schedule?
Honestly I’m kind of on autopilot daily. I do things the night before when I can so the mornings aren’t the disaster. That’s the extent of our routines or habits. We try to tag-team when my husband is home, actually, like doing bed times together and just maximizing together time because we don’t always get that. There’s no method to the madness.
I shared that we also do a lot of things together right now and when thinking about having another child, the idea of having to divide and conquer more, definitely scares me.
When it comes to dividing up, not sure if you feel like this, but I feel like I can do things better (is this just classic perfectionist first child or just me?!). So I might not necessarily agree with how my husband is doing something but I have to be okay with it and let it go. My daughter is very particular so I'm definitely thinking about how that will play out with a second kid or if I’m not available or whatever.
What do you do for time for yourself or for self-care?
It’s totally different right now. I have a lot more time but also no paychecks. Before I used to go to a workout class, get a manicure, whatever, but now I’m like what can I do in my house that feels self-care-ish. For me, it's definitely exercise. I try to do something daily that is active - which some days could just be an extra long walk with the dog. Exercise, getting outside, and combining those is a priority for me. And then therapy - therapy is self-care for me.
I’ve done therapy on and off for a few years now, and felt especially that I needed extra help postpartum while struggling with some PPA. One of my challenges has been finding a good therapist that I clicked with.
How did you find a therapist that worked well for you?
I’ve been seeing this woman for almost two years. It was a mix of looking at our insurance and what’s covered and what’s in the area. We had to switch insurance providers recently but I now pay out of pocket for her, which was a clear sign that this was working. I wanted someone who could stay with me and grow with me through different life experiences and she’s been able to do that. I got very lucky that it was sort of a one and done situation with her.
Do you meet virtually or in person?
We started virtually and then she added back in person, which has made a huge difference. I thought taking the calls from the comfort of my own home and not having to drive and stuff would be helpful but it’s a totally different level of intimacy in person that I wasn’t getting from home. There are less distractions when I’m in the room with her and I usually build in some time to get a coffee before or lunch after, and that all feels really great.
Rapid fire questions
Go to recipe: Scone recipe here! My secret tip is freezing the dough so you can just bake 1-2 at a time for a little weekday luxury!
Must have for your office: Maybe just the cold New England weather talking, but a blanket! Even when I was working in an office full-time, I’d be the lady in the “blanket skirt.” I run cold!
Favorite kids toy: I’m a sucker for Barbies. I was such a Barbie kid & I have such a hard time saying ‘no’ when my daughter asks for one in Target!
Best parenting hack: There are no hacks…this is hard!
What are you reading/watching/listening to right now?
Reading: Same Time Next Summer. Been on a big beach read kick that’s bleeding into fall
Watching: Just finished Love is Blind Season 5. I was VERY disappointed this season!
Listening: A Day in Her Life & So Tell Me About Yourself! Two moms from my NAPS training who I adore - they do an amazing job digging into the life of working moms!
Do you have any advice for other working moms job searching in this tough market?
Evaluate your priorities often and stick to them. It’s hard to make those connections, hard to get the interview, but if you’re holding true to your values & what you’re looking for, the end result will be that much more satisfying and fulfilling.
What's one question you have for other working moms?
How do you manage your mind going every which way while working?? I feel like the ‘mom brain’ will turn on and I’ll get distracted with ‘life to-dos’!
Thanks for reading this issue of working moms! If you enjoyed this post, please share it with a fellow working mom! I’m also looking for more working moms to chat with, so if you know of anyone who’s fun to talk to, please refer them!
Hope you have a great day of “rest” 🤪
Bhavika