Issue 2: This working mom practices trumpet after bed time
Lily is an Associate Professor of Civil/Environmental Engineering at Roger Williams University
When I first thought of this newsletter, I knew one of the first working moms I had to feature was Lily. We went to college together and have been friends for over 15 years now. She’s ahead of me on the kid track so she’s been a constant source of support for me as a newer mom, and was particularly in those overwhelming early days. I love so many things about Lily - like she has this amazing laugh (you can hear a fraction of it in audio clips below) and just an unbelievable amount of empathy and love for the people around her. She’s also incredibly driven and you can see her passion for so many things come through in this conversation.
Occupation: Associate Professor of Civil/Environmental Engineering at Roger Williams University
Office style: In-person during school semesters, mostly remote during the summer
Children: Mabel, age 5 and Everett, age 2
Fur children: Cat named Abe, age 10
Location: Greater Providence area
Tell us about what work looks like for you.
I'm in academia and work is a balance of teaching, research, and service, meetings for my department and the university throughout the day. There's a lot of teaching — I'm currently teaching four classes a semester. So most of my time is dedicated to teaching classes, prepping classes, grading, and meeting with students. It's very student focused.
A small part of my day during the semester is research. So it’s probably 75% teaching, 10-15% research, and the rest is service for committees in my department for the university or external to the university. And then over the summer, I switch to 90% research and the rest of my time is spent on service and advising students. During the semester I go to work every day, from 9 to 4ish depending on pickup and drop off with the kids. During the summer, I do the research mostly from home.
What do you love most about being a professor?
I like that it’s dynamic. You can teach the same class, many times, but you always have a different audience, a different group of students, and they all have different personalities, and they all bring something different to the classroom. And so it could be the same material, but it is received differently.
I really like working with students, too. They're fun, they keep me on my toes. The students are really excited and interested in figuring out their future careers. So you feel like you can help them figure out what their path is going to be and help them get there, and that’s really rewarding. On graduation day, when you see them walk across the stage and they're going to their jobs, and they contact you a couple of years later, you feel really proud. Like they’re your kids out in the world!
And I like the research too. I’m kind of my own boss when it comes to the research and there’s a lot of flexibility in my schedule and priorities and research topics I want to focus on.
What are you researching right now?
One project I’ve been working on since the start of grad school is doing computational modeling of the Wachusett Reservoir in Massachusetts, which is the major drinking water supply for Boston. I do simulations of how water moves and how water quality changes in the reservoir to help inform reservoir managers of various things they're interested in. Right now, that’s algae and climate change.
Another project I’ve been working on since last fall is collecting microplastic data across the state of Rhode Island from rivers and the atmosphere. We’re trying to figure out how much plastic is being loaded into the Narragansett Bay, which is a big part of the tourism and the food economy in Rhode Island.
The other project I’m working on is around understanding risk and resiliency factors in engineering students, particularly women engineering students, and what affects their persistence in the major. What we learn might inform recruitment or retainment strategies for things that we can offer the students once they’re on campus. I have a partner collaborator in psychology and another engineering professor who's working with us since these research methods are not my area of expertise, but the topic is super interesting and relevant to what I do.
At this point we’re briefly interrupted by a little visitor, Mabel, who comes down with a request for Mom. Listen below for Lily’s "mom voice” 😂
What does your best case weekday look like?
5:30am - 6am: Mabel pretty reliably gets up at 5:30am but she just turns on her light, goes to the bathroom, and reads until the rest of us get up around 6am.
6:30am - 7:45am: breakfast and get ready for the day. I drop the kids off at daycare because coming home is an hour long commute and if there’s traffic that adds pressure to my commute.
8am - 9am: commute to the office
9am - 1pm: get my classes prepped, everything printed, and notes all set. Teach my classes, hold office hours, and ideally I have time for lunch if I’m not teaching through it. I have lunch at my desk and do my puzzles (the same ones I referenced here). While I'm having my lunch at my desk, I’m on my phone, checking emails, etc., which I know I should do, but what are you gonna do? Stare at a wall?! So I do my puzzles haha.
1pm - 4pm: teach another class if I have one, otherwise I may have some meetings, work on grading, etc.
4pm: I try to leave campus by 4pm no matter what, unless I need to stay for something, which gets me home by 5pm-5:15pm. I listen to podcasts on both my drives, which I really look forward to. I try to get home by 5:16 so I can see the kids because they go to bed at like 6:30pm-7pm. It already feels like I don't really see them much during the day and so I try to maximize that time, even if Chris is doing the pickup.
5:30pm: We have dinner kind of early because the kids usually come home and they're hungry and grumpy and everybody needs food now now now!
6:30pm - 7pm: get ready for bed, baths if it’s bath night - we don’t do baths every night, kudos to anyone who can do that. They have this tradition where Everett gets his story first and then he runs into Mabel's room and he gives her a hug. And then she carries it back into his room and I put him down and then I read Mabel's book and put her down.
7:30pm: kids are down and I try to practice my trumpet for 30 minutes, or go for a run, or a workout class if I can make the timing work out.
8pm: sit on the couch, watch a show, probably fall asleep on the couch. We’re usually in bed by 10pm.
If it’s a great workday, I’ll have exercised, played my trumpet, and gotten everything else accomplished, too, but that doesn’t always happen.
But wait, when do you have time to cook if you don’t get home until 5:15pm and you’re eating by 5:30pm?!
Usually we make something big on Sunday that lasts through like Wednesday. Then, Thursday, we'll try and cook. A 30 minute meal is perfect. Since Chris (husband) works from home, he can start it around 4:45pm or 5pm - at least chop the food. Then I come home and while he’s picking up the kids, I’ll throw it in a pan. If it takes a little longer to make the food, then we’ll just hold the kids off with a few crackers or raisins. They’re at an age now where they do play together independently so that helps to have them play outside in the fenced in backyard while I cook. Although, occasionally I still have to go out there and break stuff up.
Lily paints a picture we working parents know all too well - the dinner dance of throwing something in the pan while chaos reigns all around you.
Also, how do you practice the trumpet after the kids go to bed?!
Hahahaha good question! I practice in the basement. They can still hear me a little bit but they’re used to it. It’s usually right after they go to bed and they’re not really asleep yet. When I grew up, my parents both practiced their instruments at night and I learned to tune it out.
You mentioned Chris works from home. I know he’s super involved and you guys have a good partnership. What does that look like?
I couldn't imagine doing this as a single parent and working full-time. I just don’t even know how that’s possible physically or financially. It ebbs and flows - it’s never equal. This week, Chris is gone for a couple of days for work, so I will carry more weight. And then there are other times where Chris carries more weight and it ends up evening out. We try to make sure each other has time for their own things to do. He goes to gym class a few days a week or does something with the guys on the street. I’ll have my things on other nights. I think COVID whipped us into shape because when COVID started, Mabel was a little over two years and we lost childcare for who knows how long.
We very quickly had to figure out how to make this work. How were we going to work 40 hours a week and also care for this two year old. We really had to get ourselves in shape and plan the whole day. When are your meetings? When are we trading off? Somehow, we made it work and I’m still amazed by that. We still do that check in every week.
What are the challenges you’re personally feeling right now?
Time is always a challenge. There's just way more that to do than can be done in the day and so you just have to prioritize what gets done and what doesn't get done and what is worth your time and what's not. I'm definitely still working on that - with household things I can be a little bit of a perfectionist. I have had to do a better job with letting things go or outsourcing. And just prioritizing and compromising - you can’t do everything well in one day or week. Some weeks work is 90% of your time and you feel like you’re being a terrible mom and then other times where you feel like I’m being a great mom and work is really sucking right now. So just giving myself grace in those situations is something I’ve been working on.
What's particularly enjoyable and also not enjoyable about this season of motherhood for you?
Hmm, all the seasons have their amazing bits and also their frustrations. I love now that Everett's a little older (and they’re 2.5 years apart), they play really nicely together. It’s really fun to see them interact and they have their own dynamic – their own thing going on. I remember having that growing up with my siblings where we had our own games that no one else understood and nicknames, etc., so it’s really cool to see them becoming little people with their own opinions and personalities.
The most frustrating thing - I can think of two. Everett's 2.5 so emotions are high here and I think he’s a little more emotional than Mabel. Like today, it took me an hour and 15 minutes to get to daycare - I was late picking them up. I’m trying to get them out of the car, Everett is just screaming - I’ve got my bag, my lunch bag, Mabel’s bag, Everett’s bag, my water bottle - I’m holding it all. And he just collapses on the pavement and all the neighbors are watching. I tried to pick him up and he got a bloody lip - it was eventful. Working through two year old emotions is a lot. And then even though they play well together there’s a lot of “this is mine” “he hit me” “he’s looking at me” “she’s doing this” so I’m breaking that up a lot.
All about you
What are your non-negotiables?
Music, exercise, and kid free time.
I love playing music. For the last 8 or so years I hadn't played in an orchestra or any musical group but as I got through the first couple years of Everett, I thought it was time to get back into a routine. Now every Tuesday night I go to orchestra rehearsal right after work which means I’m gone until 10:30pm. I don’t really see the kids that day, which is the compromise, but I love it, so it doesn’t feel like a long day to me. I need this in my life, I feel more complete. I need exercise, too. It’s really fun but also for my mental health, sometimes I need to go like run three miles someday and burn off some steam.
And then making time once a month to go out with Chris. We have to be very intentional about setting aside quality time for us. It’s expensive and dates more planning than they used to because it requires getting a sitter a couple weeks in advance. By the time you pay for the sitter, the Uber to the city, dinner, its hundreds of dollars. It’s definitely a luxury but it’s time well spent to connect with your partner.
At the end of our chat, I asked Lily why it was important to her to balance everything. I know why working and being a mom are both important and valuable to me and I’m always interested in hearing what it means to others. Here’s her answer in 2 parts:
I feel like there’s probably two reasons. I like what I do and I feel like I’m helping people through my job. There’s a purpose to what I’m doing and I get a lot of satisfaction from the work that I do. I also get a lot of satisfaction from being a mom — I love being a mom. And actually, I love that even more, it’s my favorite job. I think it’s the hardest job. You think your job is hard and then you have a kid and you’re like oh my gosh, this is the hardest job. So I love both of those things for different reasons and I feel like I need all of these pieces of the pie in order to feel like me.
In part 2, she reflects on the impact on Mabel and Everett and this really warmed my heart. Particularly for young women, I think it’s crucial to impart that they can be anything that they want to be and just because you want to have kids, doesn’t mean that you have to give up the other things that you love. But it’s clear that working moms need a support system to be their whole selves.
Rapid fire questions
Go to recipe: a simple banana bread recipe that can be jazzed up with nuts or chocolate chips. I hate wasting food and bananas tend to go bad fast. So I stockpile them in the freezer and then I make the bread and toss in other things or try experimental tweaks to the recipe if I'm missing ingredients. Kids love the bread for breakfast or a snack.
Must have for your office: my graphing calculator, that is now older than the students I teach! Also pictures of my kiddos and their latest artwork masterpieces.
Favorite kids toy: musical instruments! We have a great Remo kids drum, a couple xylophones, some recorders, a harmonica, and other various items. Everyone gets one and BOOM we have a band!
Best parenting hack: leaving a trough of snacks out so kids can graze all day and I don't have to hear "I need a snackkk". JK! But I wish that was my hack. Extended tub play time on Sundays while I'm making dinner or doing other chores around the house. The kids are contained AND having fun!
What are you reading/watching/listening to right now?
Reading: The Midnight Library by Matt Haig
Watching: Succession (Chris and I watch this show together in the evenings)
Listening: Lots of podcasts on my drives (UpFirst, This American Life, Radiolab, Shortwave, Getting Curious with JVN, Serial). I love lots of music genres and artists but my go-tos are women artists in the americana, bluegrass, folk genres (e.g., Sierra Hull, Sarah Watkins, Sarah Jarosz, Aoife O'Donovan).
What’s one question you have for other working moms?
What do you pack for your kids daycare lunches?! I see all these cute lunches in magazines and Instagram posts but how do working parents actually have time to make those?! We need easy and quick meal ideas they'll actually eat and we can actually prepare in like 3-5 minutes.
Thanks for reading this issue of Working Mom! If you enjoyed this and want to hear about how other working moms maintain the illusion of balancing it all, please subscribe and share!
Hope you have a relaxing weekend!
Bhavika
Lunch - peanut butter and jelly, cut up strawberries (or any other berries available), and a bag of veggie sticks/goldfish/pirates booty for snack - my 9 year old has been eating this basically everyday since Kindergarten and I used to feel bad about it (this is all she wants), but have since gotten over it. My 6 year old likes more variety - so she does tuna sandwiches or turkey/cheese and the rest is the same.